There was a long time, just the longest time, when I didn’t think I would ever have a child.
I bet if you asked 99% of the people who know me best, or have known me the longest, they would say that I’m not maternal. That I never wanted children. That I never showed an interest in being a parent.
They’re wrong. But, it’s not their fault.
I’ve spent the larger part of my child bearing (cringy old fashioned labelling, sorry) either as part of a dreadful marriage – appropriately 8 years with just the worst possible candidate for any sort of worthwhile partnership or family unit ever – or single. The single bit being spent getting over the horrors of an ultimately toxic, abusive and damaging husband. And paying off his discarded debts. And wrapping up his abandoned responsibilities.
With such a long stretch of time where having a baby wasn’t an option, it became something I didn’t talk about. Or really think about. Because it was actually pretty heart wrenching to accept it might never happen for me. And if anyone asked, I’d just make a humorous escape from the conversation… Oh, my sister’s had two kids, she’s covered all that sort of thing so I don’t have to bother! Ha ha ha….. weep about it later type stuff.
And then, I met the man of my dreams. The most wonderful, patient, loving, caring, sexy, all round amazing person. And it turned out, he thought I was alright too.
Few years down the line, we’ve bought a lovely house, made a lovely life, and we want to be a family.
My heart is full of excitement and joy, and terror and worry. All the feels, all of the time. I’ve been on the pill for so long (over 20 years with minimal breaks, about 7 years in this streak) I’m older than the medical optimum age range (yeah, more on that another time), I’ve never tried to get pregnant, I’ve never accidentally gotten pregnant. I don’t know if I can get pregnant. I don’t know if my body works that way any more, what if it never did? How would I know?
Anyway, the decision is GO. The pill has been stopped. The pre conception supplements have begun. I’m about a week in…. The next blog entry will chronical how my body reacts. Yikes!